// Human Biology, Contraception and the End of “The Slut”//

It’s rather interesting how many women I’ve seen on okcupid who carry the titles “open relationship” or polyamorous.  To clarify, the latter refers to a person who is attracted to and openly dates (all parties consenting) more than one person.  It’s an interesting observation that more and more women are adopting this attitude towards dating and sexuality.

We live in an era were contraceptives are readily available.  Condoms are a non-issue.  Plan B from what I’ve heard is available at CVS.  Birth control (currently under hot debate in the United States, which could only happen in a country with religious conservatives at the helm) has been around roughly 40+ years now.  Yes, I would highly endorse a male pill or injection contraceptive if made available.  I was excited to hear about a drug company working on one that targeted the sugars which feed sperm.  Take that away and you’ll shoot blanks.  Or there’s the ever popular dipping your scrotum in hot water for 15-30 minutes a day.  Exciting.  Moving on.

So it occurs to me while reading “The Evolution of Desire” that men run around willy nilly because they have to invest very little in a child if they disappeared.  They’re nothing more than a sperm donor.  A woman needs to put in 9 months + 18 years of her life on hold.  So that’s a good reason to have a steady mate.  You need constant resources and support when raising a child.  That’s not to say men are wrong, it’s biological programming.  But to a woman, yes it’s wrong because they have to bear the brunt of child rearing.  Of course there’s an agenda in telling men not to go around investing their time, money, attention and love towards other women.  We live in a monogamous society and men by virtue of dating someone agree to the social contract currently in place which is one guy, one girl.  That is the social norm and unless stated otherwise during the course of a relationship, anything else is cheating.

That’s not to say men are evil.  We’re not.  I am not a saint by any means.  I have desires, fantasies, fancy my share of women.  The question is not how dare I if I am dating someone, it’s do I act upon them.  Let’s be frank (and you can be Jane).  I see no harm nor any problem in looking at a woman and coveting her in my mind.  The uncomfortable staring is another trouble altogether.  I don’t cat call, I don’t hoot, I don’t touch.  I look, I admire.  Sometimes I say “I love your hair”, “those shoes are cute”.  I admire the outfit as well as the woman.  I’ll walk away with that image and close my eyes for a few seconds, wander off into la la land and that’s the end of it.  I fail to see anything wrong with that.  Especially while dating someone.  That’s not cheating.  Actually flirting, fucking and dating would.  

Again, its part of the social dating contract.  Women, yes you cheat.  My own childhood was a testament to such actions.  Usually out of neglect from a current mate, to get out of a current relationship, to seek a better father for their kid, (when ovulating) to seek better genes for their offspring, to feel better about themselves.  What I am saying is men and women are both guilty of these drives for different biological reasons.  That is the key to understanding human sexuality.  We are not a monogamous species.  We try to be and fight biology when we do.  It causes rifts in relationships when people slip up.  The expectations are high that you’ll stay pristine and never fall from grace.  Then the “unthinkable” happens and you’re in the dog house.

Back to my original topic.  With the advent of contraceptives, women are behaving more like men.  Free to philander because what biological investment do they have to make if you can impede the cost of courtship.  As I see it, this is the way it should be going.  The words “slut” and “whore” are irrelevant.  The whole purpose of coveting virginity in a mate was to know you were the baby-daddy. For a man, it’s the uncertainty of raising a child who isn’t yours that is a concern.  No one usually wants to give their time, energy and resources to a child that isn’t theirs.  

But think about it for a second.  It’s all strategic.  Women go out, sleep with other guys, tell their present mate hey here’s your kid.  Reasons include their current mate has better resources, would be a better dad, would have better opportunities in the future.  And what do men do?  Impose social restrictions that make sex more taboo for women.  You’re a whore, a loose woman, a temptress, a strumpet, a harlot, a woman of ill repute for sleeping around.  You lose value in the eyes of your family and friends.  It’s a lot to take upon your shoulders.  All to know you’re the father.  But you can’t blame modern men for setting that up.  It was done eons ago.  But it’s propagated by men and women alike.  Women have just a strong investment in keeping their men away from a quick shag and ensuring the dating pool stays as open as possible.

If either sex has more than 1 partner, that’s 1 more partner not on the dating market.  So monogamy is an underhanded way of artificially inflating that marketplace.

What I’m getting at is I don’t agree with derogative words demeaning women for their sexual activities in an age where contraceptives defeats the troubles our ancestors created  these strategies for.  What does it matter if a woman dates or sleeps with more than one man?  It doesn’t.  She can do as she pleases and not hear guff for it.  Social engraining from family, friends, school, & media creates a feeling of guilt for doing something “wrong”.  Religion drills in these things as well.  You are demonized in their eyes and need redemption for your sins.

I don’t see it that way.

If men are being feminized to be more understanding, caring, sympathetic to the women’s cause, women should also embrace the rules men have abided by to see what the other side of the coin is like.  Women should also take on the more masculine parts of courtship, just to understand what men go through just to make up to the first date.  We go through hell if we aren’t suave & charismatic, making bank or look like George Clooney. The sexes need mixing.  There needs to be a more androgyny language and way of understanding.  It’s the halfway point both sexes want, but are too busy screaming self-serving single sex edicts at each other.  

I want both men and women to give up the idea of the slut.  It doesn’t exist anymore.  It is a moot point.  It’s only around because both sexes keep propagating it for their own agendas.  Or if you want, we can keep it but we have to equally create a word which shames men for their behavior.  At the moment, there isn’t one.  Which is no better than the nonsense we have now.  So let’s not and say we did.  Let women take on the role of polyamory, serial sex and all that entails without worrying about the social implications it currently carries.  

It’s tiring enough worrying about dating and sex to throw in the complications that come with this outmoded notion.  Men, you don’t want to be the daddy so I suggest you push for all forms of contraceptives.  It might just mean better dating and sex for you.  Women, you stand to feel less guilty about yourselves as well as enjoy life a bit more if you stop acting catty towards each other and just accept the nuances of human reproduction.  (In that regard, men are more fluid in their relationship statuses I feel.)

It’s a complicated matter to unravel after countless millennia of propagation, but it has to start somewhere.  All that said, can the posts on extramarital nonsense stop on tumblr? :)

// Update on “A Plea to a Reverend”//

I was just woken up to by a call from the reverend at the church.  While slightly groggy, I was completely in awe when he spoke his name.  He said it was a well written and nice letter, and they’re working on new protocols (security measures and rules) to let rollerbladers back in the skate park.  As soon as they figure it out, I’ll be the first to know.  He also gave me a run down about what was stolen and what they are doing to get it back.  They’ve got a plan and I’m elated to finally know where we stand in regards to their church.  *smirk* I’m quite proud of myself and oh so thankful I studied literature in college.  Never underestimate the power of words!  heh.

// A Plea to a Reverend //

A while ago a church sponsored skate park banned rollerbladers from skating there because an idiot stole from one of their members.  It has been tough on us all.  I decided to write to their reverend in hopes of clearing the air and ultimately allowing us to skate there again.  Here is the letter:

Reverend, it is an unpleasant topic to broach but I would like to be candid about the events which took place at your church one month ago regarding the theft of one of your congregation’s personal belongings by someone who was at your indoor skate park.  It is not an easy topic, nor should it be given the nature of what occurred, but I will do my best to cover the feelings and thoughts of the rollerbladers who have confided in me.

I was dismayed when the news was broken about someone absconding with the chattels of one of your churchgoers.  Especially since it had come from the ranks of my own.  Our sport goes back about 18-20 years now, but we are a decidedly small flock broken into smaller tribes across the globe.  While I live in Los Angeles, I am connected to friends in Carson, Long Beach, San Diego, San Francisco, Ohio, New York, Texas, Sydney.  We know each other quite well, or are only several degrees from knowing someone.  Which is what makes the judgment of one individual that much more tragic.  It is someone we know, a familiar face, though we are blind to their fallacies.  

There has been speculation as to who this person is, but no definitive answers.  If that were the case, we would have provided your congregation with this information immediately.  

This mystery person has tarnished the community with his ugly actions and it plainly makes us look bad.  We are, by and large, honest and caring individuals who share a common interest - rollerblading.  We also appreciate the great service your church provided us by fronting a location, building a skate park and allowing us to come & go at our leisure.  There is nothing akin to this in the Los Angeles area and I fear there never will be again without resolution between our collective groups.

It was rumored that the church has video of the suspected thief and because of our tight knit community, it would be easy to figure out who this person is.  I can unequivocally say we had zero prior knowledge about what this individual would do to your congregation.  They do not represent the whole of rollerbladers and our subculture.  It is as if to label the entire population a pack of thieves based on the actions of a shadowy minority.  There will always be bad apples in any group, with their seeds planted long before they came to their current path in the road.  Maybe it is partially our fault as a community for not tending to our own brethren as best we could, and for that, I truly am sorry.  

The rollerblading community that attended your church to skate has made it quite clear that your services were bar none and vital.  It is with loss we grimace, realizing what was once there and now is lost due to the actions of a single individual.  But I hope you understand they are not us, and we are not them.  As a clergyman, I know this is not lost to you.  To punish everyone for the actions of one man is to be blind to the full spectrum of light shining through.  Forgiveness is a challenge, but it takes both parties at the table to come to an understanding.    I do sincerely hope our collective parties can sit down as rational individuals and speak about this matter, meet eye to eye, and in time, move past it.  

// Any day but Valentines Day//

A day late, but that’s how much I shutter at the saintliness of Valentines day.  Here’s an old rant I wrote on the subject, figured I’d share it for all you boys and girls out there.

Valentines Day.

A little research into the topic and you realize no one really knows how this holiday came about. Some say saint valentines who was around during roman times and married couples under the rule of the then emperor who made marriage illegal for young men so he could have more soldiers. Some say he was a Christian saint, but there are 3 valentines that were martyred. Others say Christians took the pagan rituals of fertility that started around mid february onward and incorporated it to Christianize the people.

And yet further still, there was a belief about bird mating around the same time. And sometime around the middle ages, valentine greetings came about (1400 the first written cards appeared).

This is a very antiseptic view though. When people think of valentines day now, you have one of three reactions: 1)Aw, great time of the year for my boyfriend and/or girlfriend to prove themselves. 2) God damn it, not again, I don’t have a Valentine, can I rent a friend? 3) fuck it, just another day. I fall into the third category.

I don’t care one way or another for dates, cheap heart clogging candy, lacy pink and red bible thin envelopes with cards printed by low paid Chinese works, dying bits and pieces of genetically altered colored plant genitals that were plucked by Mexican workers who are dowsed in pesticides, 3 chord guitar strums by some two bit musician who solicites him or herself for the displeasure of tawdry background music, worthless mixed error corrupted cds with music that christian conservatives fuck to on a the 3rd sunday of April, with cheesy lead encrusted circuitry shoved in a easily flammable eggshell cracked white bear with a strawberry splattered heart with the words “I love you” sewn on with the least amount of care made by a machine that cranks out 1000 of these worthless stuffed ragdolls an hour.

I don’t care about that and never will. Several things wrong with all of that. Notice how unoriginal it all is? It’s all mass produced, mass induced media crafted traditions handed down and accepted as proper. And we, the consumer, suck it up like flies on a pile of dog shit. I don’t care that it’s there because people need something to cling to. Human thoughts are repetitious. Did you know 2000 years ago this roman-greek guy was 98 percent close to creating the first steam engine? If he had tweaked one part, it would have been complete. But he said it was nothing but a mere toy, no practical applications. 2000 years later…the industrial revolution. Concrete was lost for 1000 years (from the romans) and refound (formula created independently) in the 1800s in England.

For ever though each person has, someone before us has thought it before. Ever wonder why there is a pop-mainstream culture? Or why there are stereotypes most prevalent in teens? I asked myself this and came to the conclusion that it was the easiest concept to grab at. You don’t have to think, you don’t have to dig, it’s already precrafted for your consumption. Quick and dirty. You need an image fast? Just pick up a cosmo and watch mtv. You’ll see what you can emulate, easy. No thought. All regurgitated.

And that’s Valentines day apparel. Regurgitated for mass consumption. You can pick up a bear and say I love you and it’s over with. And in this fast paced society, who has the time to be considerate? Oh you wanted a watch from that antique store? Well I got you a bear, so suck that up. And a bottle of cheap champagne so I can knock you up and take you to get the morning after pill the next day. No one takes time anymore to do proper caring things anymore for their loved ones.

And this day is strictly love as between romantic relations. Well, that’s pointless. You would think if it’s a day about love, love in any shape or form would be allowed. You know, maybe you love your best friend and he/she means the world to you. Ok. Take him/her out to a good Thai restaurant, go get some coffee, talk about life, watch you favorite feel good movie and call it a night. Go to your favorite cd store, pick each other a few cds at random, and go damn, ok haha I stopped listening to them a few years ago. hmm but that one looks good! ok. I’ll take it! Or while you’re at it, if you’re gamers, have an marathon after work/school, loser gets their ass kicked and pays for gummy bears from 7-11. Anything.

These are things that make us happy, that make our lives memorable and make you smile while you’re laying in bed 3 years down the line wondering about what made you what you are. These are the things that we sign over after a lonesome cup of coffee hours from home. These are the memories we want to grow old with. And no one thinks about that anymore. We want it quick and dirty, get it over with, same deal each year. Times speed up, and suddenly you don’t know what to do.

As I’ve proven, you don’t have to be elaborate, just considerate. But, the problem with all of that is, why just one day out of three hundred and sixty-five days out of the year? Why this one day? As aforementioned, it has roots in several theories. That is fine. But, it is an invariable excuse for many to prove their affection, their love, whatever motivating emotion pervades them and pushes them to hang out with certain people.

Friendships and relationships fail because it’s all in lump sum. What is this, the fucking lottery? Costco? Buy 50 pounds of disposable love trinkets and thoughts all at once? Why not disperse that over a longer period? Doesn’t have to be every day, doesn’t have to be amazing, it just has to show the other person that you care about them in some way, shape and form.

You could do it anytime of the year - new years, tomorrow, 3 weeks from now, Easter because you want to spite jesus, do it may first, 3 days before your first day of summer school, etc. But you chose valentines days? Once again, I will say easily grasped at commodity. Easy to choose one day chosen for you. You have minds, use them. If you can decide what nonsensical television star looks fatter from the last time you saw her and what girl has the bounciest heart shaped ass, you can decide days to show someone they mean something to you. Is that such a chore? Is it so bad to show someone in increments that they’re worth to you is immeasurable and carries with it great significance? I’m sure for a portion of you, this makes sense. For the rest of you, go choke on a ziplock baggie of hardened confectionery heart shaped chalky sugar cubes as you gargle IAH GLOVE JUH to your insignificant other over the latest bruce springstein album, while downing a class of 3 year old boxed wine you got half off at safeway, while wearing your lucky undies with the pink ass shaped heart at the crotch that say “eat this”.

And that’s why you’re no better than the institutions that spawned your lifeless thoughts and bodies. For those that get it, be something, express yourself and enjoy life for what it is worth under your own contexts and creations. As long as you can show your sincerity, you’re on the right track.

// It’s decided then (poetry)//

I found a a few more bits of poetry and prose to share..  It’s strange reading old writings and thinking, “when the hell did I write that?”

It’s decided then.

Shadow of a striped shirt tossed aside into crumpled car wreck notes,
Grain of sand shoes flung off to a drywall corner cement grave,
Protective parental pants unbuttoned, unzipped, unlived in and put aside to live for a mothy owner,
Slight of hand hesitance pauses action at the elastic band holding back watery thoughts.
What else to do?
Heart and hand battle inch by inch for control and coverage,
All while feet subtly slip off sagging socks from their skintight grip.
[gasp] 
Sallow face averts as knowledge gives way to slender formed hips,
An ounce of courage freefalls toward the carpet,
Cold sweat arms mangle to cover beating heart shame,
One last look at familiarity brings hope to be shaken off in a blink,
Heels swivel and swerve up and out the door, 
Down the sun stroked cement walkway,
Down the clawing gravel staircase asking for one more chance,
Right to the chlorinated poolside edge awaiting engulfing orders.
[deep breath] 
Haste and hesitance scream in each ear as the water reverberates long gone voices,
(soon this voice will be gone too)
soaring sound of an airplane heading west deafens all decisions,
all sounds past present and future muffled under a watching aluminum god,
The choice is made.
[Splash]
North Atlantic vastness covers night sky searching eyes and diving rod feet,
Each throbbing voice throwing down weight with each gargle,
Singing the old murky melody known to forgotten wives and swallowed sailors,
The passage past pillars, passes and plains ends here,
[gasp]
I understand, I understand.

// Sometimes Oldies Are The Best//

Digging through my old writings and found a bit of prose I had forgotten about.  Figured I’d repost since my rantings thoughts are rather jumbled at the moment.  Let me know what you think please?

She was charcoal strewn across a bright drywall white canvas. No way to see past the soot covering her eyes. Residue haunting her bangs as it worked its’ way down her cheeks, dusting her in a fine talcum sigh. With each breath came a smothering sadness closing in as the air sifted through cheesecloth lungs. [Hack. Hack.] The shrinking air distilled the hardening coal comprised of icy diamond hands clasping bone white bedrock knuckles. Her lustery skin ground down with each carbon cough, revealing a forgotten rawness coated in lead paint. Superheated red coated in a veneer of charred forgotten desires and heavy metals. A whisper wished to wash away the encroaching implosion. [Please. Let me stay.] The embers would not listen. It pressed on. Her parched lips caked into peat logs waiting to be lit at a moment’s notice. With the last of her wheezes went the fire from heart and lungs, in its place sank a coalmine with no end. She had became a petrified stone waiting to be dug up again. She was charcoal strewn across a bright drywall white canvas.

// Men and Women are idiots.//

Because life is short and I’ve written long sermons on a micro-blogging site (what a paradox!), I’ll make this a short one.

I’ve explored Tumblr and found it a vastly interesting place with a few wonderful people and images.  On the other hand, it’s chalk full of images reposted ad nauseum.  That and digital peep shows.  Everyone needs to make a living, but good lord men, why the hell are you paying $70 dollars for a video.  You might as well spend another $30 an find yourself a real woman to sleep with you than watch something animated on your screen.  I’m not against prostitution, because apparently there’s a need for it since it’s been part of human civilization for a few millennia.  Yes, I’m aware of the argument that women are forced into that ring of fire because they have no other choice.  But we all do what we have to do to survive.  If the choice were for me to end up homeless or know I’d have to go gay for pay, I’d strongly consider the latter option.  It’s a matter of survival.  That and men having a strong innate need to seek out multiple partners at relatively cheap costs to themselves.  

It bothers me though that the desire to fuck is so strong that it overrides what they logically know is wrong.  A woman whispers dangerous nothings in your ears, tickles your egos, with no promise of ever meeting her, and men toss away gifts and paychecks.  Yeah, because the girl on tumblr is just flirting with you.  You and 10 other guys.  Some film I watched years ago had the female protagonist (quite grotesque looking at that) say, “Show a little tit and a guy will follow you anywhere!”  How sad but true.  You never have to touch a guy in the digital age, just show some T & A, and you’ll be showered on.  But women learn at an early age they can use their sexual wilds to put men under their thumbs.  And men know the way to some women’s hearts is with gifting them by exorbitant amounts of money (for example, the stereotype of the Gold Digger).  Watch an episode of Real Housewives Whatever and see what I mean.

It’s just so curious to me that the sexes use each other and then say they’re being taken advantage of.  I kinda applaud the women that use a male’s genetic predispositions to help pay rent, get a new laptop, buy a new dildo.  On the other hand, I’m appalled at both sexes for their behavior.  Then again, there are some absolutely gorgeous, curvy or just plain adorable women on here that brighten my day with their daily posts.  As you can see, I’m divided on the issue. ha.

// Self Esteem and the divide between the sexes//

There’s something perturbing about proclaiming you’re a liberated woman who is getting over body issues, saying you’re working on being okay in your own skin, all while a boyfriend butters you up with his sweet nothings.  I applaud anyone trying to jump through the hoops and move pass childhood insecurity traps that haunt our skeletal closets.  Lord, I know I have my share.  Body image is such a big factor in this country, and sure knowing the lineage of past and present makes for a satisfying good read, but it doesn’t alter the future we’re headed for.  So I wonder, why the need for validation in another person? 

And yes, I’m a male talking about an issue that I’ve no bearing on and have no experience on the matter of what it means to grow up a woman.  It doesn’t mean I can’t chime in and hope for resolution through words. 

I grew up an atypical male, far from rough and tumble, baseball and basketball, GI Joes and toy pistols.  I chatted with the girls at recess while boys ran around the playground.  I played with my little pony and hid away making science experiments that the school would have to call my parents about.  I wore bright pink, floral pattern shirts, and purple Aladin shoes.  I had no fashion sense either apparently.  I was singled out and teased for being a sissy, wimp, school boy.  I had no confidence.  Boys and girls took advantage of how nice I was.  I couldn’t empathize with everyone else’s lives and I couldn’t understand why I was so different.  But I knew early on I wasn’t a normal boy.  I’m still not.  I learned how to fake it to fit in better.  What choice did I have?  I was spurred and angered by my teens.  I had no self esteem.  But I didn’t feel like the normal rules applied, the kind where boys and girls were a certain way, end of story.  I wore skirts, put on make up, gothed out at school.  I found solace in the superficial understanding of a subculture that let me play with my identity in a way I never knew how to.  I took that onto college.  I was awkward and playful.  Girls-women found that cute.  Men found it gay.  I’m not, but what did it matter? I was doing my thing. 

But something interesting happened.  The older I grew, the less they tolerated it.  They wanted a man.  Or at least that was the message I took away.  I had to be someone else for their interests.  I was nice and all, but there’s someone nice and shiny over there, ciao! That’ll fuck with your self esteem.  I slowly dropped the outer appearances - an Alan Alda cut in lieu of long hair, makeup only for photo shoots, acceptable male attire.  It doesn’t mean I had to stop being stylish though.  Damned if you’ll catch me in a polo shirt and tennis shoes! 

But something fundamental changed in me.  I had to fake being a man.  I had never had to do that until the expectation was there.  I found women less tolerant, driven by biological wants, environmental desires.  Many men are fine being who they are, far from conflicted.  I wasn’t one of them.  I’m still not.

There’s something strange about being in the inbetween path at my age, understanding the ills and troubles of men more clearly than I ever have, while empathizing with the road laid in front of women.  I couldn’t even scratch the glass pane these dew drops are laid on this page.  I’m conflicted yet understand each, but feel devoid of each group.  Their troubles are the same, rewritten for different ages.  But they don’t see that.  I’m not saying I stand at a podium, I’m saying I’m on the hill next door, watching these Sisyphusian stuggles from either side of the mountain.

I watch women seek confidence, but seeking it in men, balking because they’ll only find disappointment when that man is no longer present.  Their image is smashed, shattered and they begin their quest again for a confidence builder.  I tell my male friends similar arguments when their girlfriends abscond and they feel helpless.  It’s a human struggle.  We all find solace in someone magnificent, for better or for worse.  Whether they reciprocate and welcome our advances is another.  But our motivations lie in too much reliance in the one.  I’m guilty and hung by an aging oak tree by the seaside.  But I’ve also had to rely on people less, out of insecure mistrust or feeling like I lay on neither side of the bough. 

I had to be someone I could live with in my skin, for me, because who else would accept me if everything went away.  And that’s where I don’t think tumblr fixes that.  I enjoy the cute faces, the adorable posts, but I find it strange that however empowering that is for the woman posting, they have boyfriends, husbands and fiances.  There’s something primal I think in the need to put yourself out there, for potential lovers to see even if you have no urge to pursue that avenue lined with suitable trees.  Studies showed that women will cheat on a man, try to get her partner’s attention or boost her esteem through the gazing eyes of others.  She’ll feel better about herself.  I always come back to these genetic programs because I have no other means of understanding.  Maybe posting makes you feel better about yourself.  Good on ya and I applaud your ability to do so.  I know I’m scarcely in front of the lens. 

But know you thrive on the attention.  Hell, some make their living off it.  I can’t tell you how many wishlists, pay pages, skype for a few quid I’ve seen.  Men, your biological agents tell you seek out gorgeous women and shower them with resources.  Of course  you’ll never be with her, but you’ve snuffed one out, so good enough right?  You’ll feel good looking at women, and they feel good knowing you’re looking but can never touch.  It’s flirting in the digital age.  There’s an adage that says, “men give love for sex, and women give sex for love”.  It’s a shoehorn fit, but it resonates loud and clear.

Women found a way of boosting their self esteem and paying he bills, men found a way of building a harem of women at little cost, without the dread of chickflick night. 

None of it solves the underlying troubles with this all.  No one meeting in the center.  If feminism was for equality, it’s failed miserably.  I feel the sexes at a great chasm, each with their backs to the divide, unwilling to understand each other.  Maybe they can’t.  Or maybe there isn’t a Rosetta stone for translating their words.  They talk but nothing comes out.  The sexes feel only someone with their physicality could understand.  There’s the issue of gender identity and that blurs these lines. I can’t even begin to tackle that issue.

Something feels amiss when everyone agrees on equality and also demand to be treated with exception.  You can’t have both.  That’s the great question of the battle of the sexes.  How do women still feel like women, but be one of the guys?  How do the guys still feel like men, and empathize with women? 

It isn’t through using others for their praise, worth, body.  It is not in chastising the other sex and forming tight knit circles hellbent because, “they’ll never understand”.  It’s about forming a language capable of bridging the canyon that might take the heat off what it means to be a man and woman on this planet.  A guy can dream can’t he?

// Musings on Honesty & Dishonesty//

Honesty, transparency, candor, authenticity.  We hold things truths to be self evident and deem them the brass ring to attain throughout our lives.  ”The truth shall set us free” is the sword in the stone we tug at until we’re freed from the blight of our prisons of falsehood.  We teach children about the virtues of truthfulness, to never tell a lie (lest we end up a wooden boy in the bowls in a whale).  Spur the lies, deceptions, no matter how big or small.  White lies are still lies, with the same detrimental effects as all fibs, fantasies and tall tales.  

We try to draw clear lines in the sand about fact and fiction, but the truth of the matter is the waves come in and blur the borders frequently (most often when it suits our wants and needs).  We belittle others for their lack of honesty when we hold ourselves to wavering standards that ebb and flow with each situation.

Jobs for instance.  It behooves you to be on your best behavior.  The occasional supplies come home with you, but nothing more.  You spent far too many days in Vegas and can’t remember where your car is come monday morning, but you call in sick.  Or there’s the I didn’t get that email charade we’ll use when we want to play stupid.  They’re instances of lies and deceit that are harmless, but they’re acceptable in the eyes of the public.  But how are those lies excusable when there’s an intolerance for any form of insincerity?

Falsities and truths are sharply shaded when it comes to sex, love, and relationships.  At least that’s what we think.  Tell your girlfriend her outfit looks atrocious and see if you aren’t sleeping on the couch tonight.  Tell your boyfriend he’s a poor lover and see if he won’t be upset at you for the week.  We expect the other person to be honest Abes, but hold us in esteem by filtering out unsavory truths.  Remember, the truth hurts when it comes from someone you hold so dear to your heart.  You’ve let down your defenses and given the key to cutting you down in an instant.  

Which leads me to cheating.  It is an uneasy topic because it breaks lives, sets the sun asunder, causes murders and suicides in the heat of tropical passions.  But I ask, what is the reason to cheat in a monogamous society?  

The rich & powerful have always had atypical relationships, with mistresses and men at their beck and call, all while maintaining their appearance of monogamy.  Biologically, they have the resources to do so, and can maintain as many bastard children as their loins can endure.  

Not so true for the rest of us, which is why it is framed as an abhorrent trait in lower and middle classes that can’t support these habits.  As Bill Maher put it, it’s easy to claim moral superiority when you’re powerless.  Now where am I going with this?

I’m not one to advocate cheating, but I ask that men and women in this monogamous culture to understand that it isn’t clear cut.  Serial cheating is troublesome and should be spurred.  But there’s something I’d like to call One-Off cheating.  It’s the late night drink with a friend you haven’t seen in a while that leads to something more for the evening.  It’s being upset and for a moment in time, desiring affection from anyone.  It’s that spark with an EX you can’t help.  It’s a one night stand, put in plain english.  They’re unrepeatable.  There’s anger to be had from the cheated-on party, but a distinction must be made between someone who is a repeat offender and someone that slips up occasional.  In some ways, I think open relationships and polyamory is a better solution to a society with a 50% divorce rate and an obscene fascination with love & lust.

Now, what does someone say when they’ve committed to this act?  Tell the truth? Fabricate a yarn a mile long?  Say Nothing?  Many would say tell the truth.  Gosh, if the person must really love you, they’ll understand and forgive you.  But I don’t think that’s an honest assessment of our biology.  Men are angered by their partner in the act of sex and women are upset by the thought of their partners involved in emotional infidelities.  One is afraid of losing sexual access and the other emotional connection as well as resources.  So ask yourself, if your partner came clean, what would you do?

Then again, if they lied to you, is that any better?  I’ve heard the argument that it’s better to know the truth, no matter how devastating it is.  But who is an advocate for living in ignorance?  Or as the saying goes, “Ignorance is bliss”.  What you don’t know can’t hurt you.  And lets not pretend we don’t hear the ugliness around us.  We do.  But it isn’t part of our paradigm, so let’s purge it from our memories.  

There are shades of grey when it comes to the truth.  Truth is relative depending on who you are and what your motivations are.  As a species, we often tell the truth & lie when it benefits us.  And these fictions are all different versions of reality.  Our parents never hear the actual comings and goings of our lives.  Would you tell  your parents about that one night hook up?  Or about the time you stole something?  No no.  But you’ll tell your friends about it.  Likewise, we’re selective about telling our friends certain details.  Again, we don’t tell our friends their significant others are gorgeous and we’d like to sleep with them.  It’s what you don’t say that’s also a falsehood, but to everyone else, is the truth of who you are.  We dish out different facts for different people, falsifying identities for various situations.  They’re all you though.  They’re shades of who you are.  

Our truths and lies are shaded for effect.  It’s never so easy to say this is black and white.  There’s the parable of the man who steals bread to feed his family.  Some say that’s stealing, imprison the guy.  Others say it was to out of necessity.  I can prove that there are shades are engrained in our society.  Look at the codes of the law.  Kafka had it right when he spoke about the arbitrariness of the doctrines we follow because it is ‘the law’.  A man steals 300 dollars from a liqueur store and he is imprisoned for a few years.  A man embezzles 3 million dollars from his company , there are hearings, but he gets off on a technicality.  Both steal, but the outcomes are different.

What it comes down to is we can’t ignore the shaded nature of reality while toting solid tones as the all-time champions.  We lie frequently and write them off as white lies, but disavow the nature of ones that hurt us.  Is being selective or silent about factoids a form of honesty or dishonesty?  What are the motivations for either?  Why do we allow free passes  to CEOS, politicians, actors, and not offer those privileges to others?  

As a final question, I ask why do we think relationships should be transparent and truthful, when many start off with lies and falsities fabricated to say hello to the other person?  In my last post, I asked who has gone on a date and told that potential partner about all their insecurities, past relationships, current dramas?  I doubt any of you have.  But isn’t that being dishonest through silence?  Or spinning a thread that shades you in a better light so you make it to the second & third date?  That’s a lie too.  Or is it a retelling of the truth.  It’s a version of you sprinkled with truth.  

Who of you would go on a date with someone who spoke the unmitigated truth about themselves and you?  Father and mother complexes, hang ups on exes, a child or two, what they think about your weight, the car you drive, how you speak, etc.  It would be refreshing, but I doubt you’ll see that person again.  

There’s a time and a place for tact and bluntness.

I’m posing thoughts in hopes of hearing someone’s thoughts on the subject.  Anyone care to chime in?